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Friday, July 31st, 2009
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3:59 pm
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I go to the gym constantly and feel there has been no change in my body. Rusty and others tell me otherwise, but there is no feeling of satisfaction for me. I've been trying to remember things about my past, like living at the state house and parkvale, and I can barely remember anything. I can't really remember anything that's been happening in my life in the last 6-7 years. That's really sad. I feel like everything is swarming around me and I can't stop and breathe because if it's not one thing it's always something else. I need...something.
blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.
off to the gym. sigh.
current mood: discouraged.confused.homesick.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 12th, 2009
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6:33 pm
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Let's see...
I joined a gym again finally and it's awesome.
Rusty almost cut his finger off at work a couple weeks ago, not so awesome.
You're a really shitty friend and I will never put myself out there for you again.
I need to learn how to control my emotions when I've been drinking.
I want to go to san francisco. I've had this new car for almost two months without going further than vallejo.
current mood:  confused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 1st, 2009
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8:44 pm
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I am now the proud owner of a 2008 nissan versa. That's right. I'm very happy.
current mood: :o)
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| Thursday, April 9th, 2009
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5:11 pm - Time to get off the trip train.
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I feel like my life is a movie that I'm watching and not really that interested in, so I just get the basic idea of it.
Gawd I sound so depressed all the time. I'm not, honestly. I feel better than I have in a long time. I stopped drinking and I've been reading a lot and going for bike rides and stuff. I'm starting to really like living out here. It's nice to be content somewhere for now.
Rusty started his new job so he's working two jobs for the next weekish. He's the lead line cook for dinner service. He also slowed down drinking a lot, last night was the first time in 10 days he got kind of drunk. And only kind of, not even fully drunk. We got in a really big fight the last time he drank and he didn't come home until 5 am. I feel like he stopped drinking because he did something while he was out drinking that night, not because our relationship has been suffering so maybe he's putting in some effort before we shoot this dead horse anymore in the head? I don't know, I'm really stressed about it. I talked to him about it and he tried to put me at ease, but I just don't buy it. When am I ever going to feel like I'm worth something?
I really like my job too. I get a dollar raise on the 28th, and I've started bringing in my own recipes. My boss really likes my biscotti recipe and on Saturday I'm going to make her the pistachio cake I used to make at Mariposa. The owner wants me to start making hamburger and hot dog buns for the summer, which is fucking awesome, since making bread is my favorite. My coworker Jill is super cool, I brought her to the last show Rusty's band played, she had a great time.
In really happy news I weigh 136 now. I don't remember the last time I weighed that little. I'm pretty proud of myself. I really want to get in better shape, hopefully some of the money we'll save now can go to a gym membership? And I'm buying a car on the 21st if my friend can come with me, or else a couple days after that. I plan on being in the bay area as much as possible.
I'm really happy Elie is out of jail. I wish I was there to celebrate with everyone. Hopefully in a couple months I'll be able to come out for a long weekend or something.
Twister is a horrible movie.
current mood: My brains are on vacation.
current music: a horrible movie.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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6:16 pm
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Hmmm...
So. The other manager that I assumed was just some dumb old guy that was just there has already threatened to evict us and wouldn't let our friends come to our house. Cool. I need to find a bag of money.
I'm going to go have quite the chat with that guy. Wahoo.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 19th, 2009
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3:55 pm
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Moving is a pain in the ass. Hopefully I'll get off mine shortly and continue doing it.
The new apartment is pretty sick though. I like it a lot better than the last one. And our apartment manager parties with us so we don't have much to worry about.
The show tomorrow is going to be awesome. Then partying after is going to be awesome. And saturday is going to be fun too. It'll be nice to spend so much time out of the house.
Let's see what else is new... nothing really but stress stress stress. People are fucking crazy, my taxes are a ridiculous pain in the ass due to mass state law forms i don't have, so i can't buy a car yet. I feel trapped. Hopefully the move will help.
My forearms are strong as fuck now from my new job. Super awesome.
Livejournal is kinda whack.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 2nd, 2009
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4:08 am
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I didn't even do anything.
current mood: heartbroken.
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| Friday, February 20th, 2009
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2:00 pm
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Agro Crag is playing tonight. Wahoo!
Hopefully I'll have fun.
I'm really homesick again.
It sucks feeling like this. I feel like I'm stuck under a limbo bar all the time.
Rusty works nights now and we never have days off together either. It's making it really hard for me to live here and not have any time with the person I'm here to be with. I wish I could see Gwen.
I want to find a real psychic that can tell me what to do. Kind of like Scrooge with the Ghosts. That would be good. I could definetely use that.
I'm nuts.
And to everyone that is emailing me, calling me, what-have-you being worried about me, I appreciate the concern but honestly, back the fuck off. If my life was really shit, and you were close enough to me in the first place, you'd fucking know. Otherwise, this is a stupid online journal I write in when I'm high. There.
Stephanie, that is not directed to you. That is directed to people who don't fucking know me sticking thier nose in my fucking business.
current mood: overwhelmed.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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7:26 am
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So I'm awesome and totally got that job at Tower Cafe, meaning better pay, better people and better hours. I don't have to be at work until 6 am. 6 AM! That's 2 more hours of sleep every day than I'm used to. How exciting!!! I start tomorrow at 9 am, take that unjust firing lady. Rusty works at a bar cooking with some cool people, including a dude that lives in our complex that dates ahanda amanda, which is amazing because she's pretty awesome. I'm so happy that I can buy a car now, I'm just gonna take off into the sunset and come home for a visit!
current mood:  happy
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2009
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5:43 pm
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I got fired. For calling my boss on her day off and telling her I was irritated that she didn't answer to help me. Then when she wrote me up for saying that, I told her that it was bullshit. So I got fired. Neat.
I have a 2nd interview at a better restaurant where I wouldn't have to be in until 6 am, which means I would get 2 extra hours of sleep every day. YES. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I don't think I care so much that I got fired, I care that she made me look bad because she was wrong. Because she is a bad manager. I hate her.
Rusty has an interview tomorrow that he'll probably get, so I'm not too worried. Even if we don't get work right away, we have enough for rent so we have a month to find work. I'm already freaking out. Whatever.
Shit's dumb.
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2009
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2:39 pm - Goodness.
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Rusty got laid off.
My hours got cut.
We might move. Because we have to.
I was sick all weekend.
The world's most annoying house guest was here for a week eating all of my food and using of our shit.
Life kinda sucks a lot right now.
current mood: WAH.
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009
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10:25 am
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So. Christmas at home. I don't think I'm going to do that again for a long time.
My sister tried to sleep with my friend Nate by first getting undressed in front of him, then inviting him into bed with her, and then insisted that I have sex with him to "make Rusty jealous". COOL. Then her screaming at me at 1 am in our sister's house where her 2 children were sleeping got me kicked out of the house. In the snow. They thought I was being loud and my friend was causing commotion, when I was trying to just get out of the situation. That happened on the 2nd day there. COOL.
So I got to stay with Gwen for two nights, which was pretty sick, and I got to see Karl and Jill. And I worked. 4 days of my 6 day vacation. I didn't get to go to Allston or Grasshopper or anywhere I really wanted to go. I had to grin and bear it through christmas and spend time around Amanda. My cousin also told me he was going to come to Sacramento and kill Rusty because he was a parasite who was killing his host. Merry Christmas.
Friday I drove from Connecticut to Boston, then my only christmas present from my mother got taken away at security because it was a snowglobe, and I was clearly trying to blow up the airport with it. Then I thought I lost my id and was looking through the fucking trash can to find it, when it was actually in my purse the whole time. Then my flight from DC to Atlanta got delayed, making me miss my flight to Sacramento. I was next in line to get on a plane to SF that night, and to go with the trend of my vacation, the person in front of me got the last ticket. I waited in line for 4 hours to find I would be in Atlanta until 9 45 the next morning and had to pay 50 dollars to sleep in a hotel room, which normally I wouldn't have done and would have slept in the airport, but I wanted to be well rested before I went home and saw Rusty. Well, the shit bag hotel I had to pay to stay in overbooked my room so not 1 but 2 people attempted walking in and sleeping in my room. Great.
Basically. I never thought I would be happy to be in Sacramento.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 21st, 2008
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12:22 pm
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Please allow me to state some obvious things:
I make horrible decisions.
I need to open my eyes.
I'm a fucking idiot.
And I'm probably not going to do anything about it until I'm forced to.
Wake me up from this fucked up dream.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
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6:19 pm - Sacramento update.
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I've gotten pretty good at not talking to anyone. I'm sorry I never call, or answer, things have been hectic. Better, but hectic.
I'm getting used to my job. I don't really like the people, but I'll get over it. My hours are going to get better now, conviently when we move into an apartment downtown as opposed to me riding a bike 6 miles at 3:30 am. She said she wanted to push me to make sure I could handle it. Bitch, really? Fuck that.
My landlord in Boston raved about how clean and awesome our apartment was, and then I found out he was giving us a bad reference and I got denied this awesome apartment I wanted. So I called and he said I left it a disgusting mess and clearly, "your mother must not have taught you how to use a mop. you never cleaned that apartment when you lived there." FUCK THAT. It became a joke the last month we lived there because I would seriously be cleaning the most random shit, so I freaked out and yelled at him and started crying and he said he would promise to give a good reference, since he gave me my security back and never complained about me to me and i always paid rent, so if he doesn't i'm going to sue him for slander. So suck on that craplord.
Anyway. I've been getting more comfortable here, obviously I would rather be home, but I'm never going to leave Rusty so, there ya go. Stuck here for a while, I may as well make the best of it.
I took in my patch skirt and re-did it it looks super awesome. And I put red in my hair. And I've lost 3 pounds since we moved. Pictures soon.
We still smoke way too much pot. I bought a bong.
current mood: In denial.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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5:41 pm
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Soooo...
I got a job. I'm the assistant manager baker lady for paragary's bakery, which bakes for 8 different restaurants right now, soon to be 10 I think. It's cool my coworkers are really nice and it's laid back but actually quality product. I get a 50 dollar card once a month too to eat at any one of the restaurants that I want to, and I can drink with it, oo la la. It's 4 am to noon again, and I really do actually have to be there at 4. My trusty bicycle decided to turn on me and I went flying into a crowded street and had a cop make fun of me while my knees hurt so bad I couldn't move to get up and fix my bike and away from people staring at me. What a great way to start my "weekend".
I'm not as stressed out here, but whenever one thing goes wrong I want to fucking leave. I hate Sacramento. I want to go home. I tried to talk to Rusty about how I feel, but that never works. Boyfriends are supposed to listen too, right? Or are they there to just make you doubt yourself and make you want to cry and run away? Hmm.
Wah.
I leave my posts open to the public so gwennie can read them. I miss you gwennie.
I don't feel anything anymore.
current mood:  blank
current music: KISS
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2008
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2:03 pm
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I still can't find a job.
People here are kind of fucking stupid. Save the like 10-15 people that I know.
I hate sleeping in someone else's bed every night while they sleep on the couch in the home they own. It's fucked up.
We're running out of money.
Our car blew up. The head exploded or something, so now we don't have a car. It costs too much to fix it.
Rusty said he wants to live here for at least 1-2 years before he'll leave. I'll probably leave before that.
I wanna go home.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 7th, 2008
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9:30 am
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I have applied for every single fucking job possible, not just baking or cooking, but dog walking, cashiering, barista-ing, noone will hire me. fuck this.
:o( I just want a job.
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
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8:54 am
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So, the trip to san francisco last week....
A bum spat blood all over our car because we were partially in the crosswalk and he had to walk around the car.
Another bum punched my back window.
And every single apartment in the FUCKING TENDERLOIN turned us down. Cool.
So we decided to go to sacramento for a little while, save up a bunch of money, and try again. We wanted to get this two story two bed for 825, but noooooo they don't take co-signers, and she told me not to bother with the applications. Again. Cool. So I was desperate and put an ad on craigslist pleading for someone to give us a shot and rent to us, which never works but whatever. This dude calls back and we talk for a minute and decide to go the next day. He calls back and says ya know I need help cleaning out an apartment, so I'll give you 100$ and fill up your tank to do it. I was so excited that there was a nice person to help us out, and maybe give us a home.
So the next day we start getting lost and rusty calls him, and he says just meet me at this gas station. So we're sitting outside the car in the gas station and he calls again and says "look, i'm going to be straight forward with you, I enjoy watching young couples have sex and I want to pay you to watch you fuck your girlfriend." So we left and called the cops. Cool. We're living with our friend Scott now in Sacramento. Hopefully something will work out. :o(
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| Sunday, August 24th, 2008
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11:59 am
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We still don't have an apartment. So far, 2 people have screamed at me when I called in two different languages, a guy refused take our applications because we looked like we really needed the 35 dollar application fee, we almost got shot in fruitvale outside of an apartment we were gonna look at. California hates us. So, today we're driving to San Francisco (because we have a fucking car now woo!) and we're going to all the for rent places in the tenderloin, which sucks but that's the only place that will let us rent. Blah. I miss you people but it's not as bad as i thought. Loids girlfriend is exactly like me and that's awesome because i'm a wierdo. SO, so far so good. I'll update more once we get a place.
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| Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
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3:24 pm
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I have turned into my own worst enemy.
I thought I was just happy, since I now rarely get that pit in my stomach heart aching feeling of depression that used to bring me down daily, but it has in recent days shown to be that I am just empty. I feel nothing. If I try to think about something, I start getting frustrated and irrational. I'm a huge fucking annoying bitch now. I asked rusty yesterday if he thought that some people that meet me think of me as a miserable bitch, and he lied and said no, but I knew he was lying. Then he told me the truth, yes, some people do think that of you. I used to be so nice and all smiles no matter how shitty things were. I'm so fucking selfish now. I don't know what happened. I'm going through an identity crisis. This isn't me.
No, I don't think moving to California is going to fix these things, nor do I think staying here will. I've alienated myself so much from everyone I care about for no good reason, and I don't know why. I've hurt people I care about, ignored their phone calls and texts to the point noones gonna bother inviting me to do anything anymore. And I don't blame them. I don't know what the fuck has happened to me. All I know is I need to go somewhere and figure it out, and unforunately that somewhere is going to be san francisco. Hopefully it'll be better than last time, and if it's not i'm moving in with my mum for a couple months then back to Boston, probably to start the same vicious cycle again.
I think about Jasper all the time. I don't know why. I just miss him so much. I feel like knowing he wouldn't talk to me if I saw him in a public setting has a lot to do with me not being around. I can't handle that. I can't handle people hating me. So I don't. And now I have nothing to show for it.
Just writing this down is hard for me right now. I can't even get my thoughts straight enough to think about what i feel. I'm so scared that I'm just going to keep going through the motions of working and sleeping and working and sleeping that i'm going to wake up 40 years old still dating rusty in a crappy apartment making 20,000 a year. Hopefully school will help, but even more hopefully I can get the energy and spirit back to even enlist myself.
I'm sorry I'm a bad friend, I'm sorry I haven't been there, I'm sorry I'm flaky, I'm sorry. I can't even be here for myself anymore.
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